The Real Problem (Isn’t Actually)

Your Pain Is Not a Problem—It’s a Signal

Ever notice how quick we are to reject our own discomfort? Or judge ourselves for having it in the first place?

Feeling anxious? Medicate. Tired? Push through. Hurt? Pretend you’re fine.

But what if pain isn’t a nuisance to numb, fix, or sidestep—but your system’s way of calling you closer? What if pain—emotional or otherwise—is a signal? A flare. A call for your own love, for you, from you, now.

What if every ache, every tension, every spike of fear or shame was your inner world whispering:

“Please, come close. Will you stay with me until I feel better? Will you love me no matter what?”

We’ve been taught to treat our hard feelings like problems. But what if they’re not problems? What if they’re invitations? Not disruptions—but directions. Not flaws—but guideposts.

What if your job isn’t to fix anything—but simply to meet what arises into your sensory awareness? What if feelings don't need fixing?

We were born knowing how to do this. How to have a hard feeling. How to stay close with ourselves. To feel. To welcome whatever is so without condition or judgment. We call this innocence.

Note: innocence is never lost. It might get buried—under layers of disallowed feelings, un-permitted truth, and exiled emotions we learned to suppress in order to survive.

You Already Know This

As I paint this picture, I’m not telling you anything new. I’m naming something stunningly familiar. Before we go further, take a moment and remember this: you’ve already been through so much. You’ve carried burdens passed down like heirlooms—ancestral, cultural, subconscious. You’ve held stories that were never yours to hold.

And still—you've made it here.

This proves something: You can hold what arises. You can hold a lot. You can hold yourself.

And even more powerfully—you can discern what’s worth holding now… and let the rest pass.

What It Is (And What It Ain’t)

First: this is not “positive vibes only.” This is “point your nose right into the storm.”
Because this—this—is what makes it possible for the storm to pass.
Read. That. Again. Slowly.

Think of the word 'emotion' >>> energy in motion. Emotions move—when they are allowed to move.

But our analysis? Our naming, explaining, justifying, pathologizing? That stops them cold. Stops. Them. Cold.

Where do the go then? They don't go. The might fade into the background of your awareness as you find ways to give yourself a dopamine hit with shopping or sex, alcohol or weed, games or gambling. Even work. You know the drill.

And, this is what we learned---from well-meaning people who also learned it from well-meaning people. As far back as you can see. Reinforced by family, school, fairy tales, myths, society---everywhere.

So, it’s no surprise that you forgot how to feel your feelings. It’s not your fault. And. It’s not a problem. It’s just… what happened.

And. Now that you know, you can make some adjustments and put things straight.

Emotion = Energy in Motion

Feel that? The word tells you everything.

E-motion means movement.

And when we try to stop what’s moving, it requires energy. A lot of energy. That is why emotional suppression exhausts us. Not only does it give us a sense of separation from ourselves, it also causes an inner sense separation from one another.

That sense separation - by the way - is at the heart of suffering—both personal and collective. You don't have to look too far to see the pandemic of loneliness that afflicts our modern world. Surrounded by people, yet feeling totally isolated.

Does this sound familiar to you?

~~~

Every time we repeat the inherited patterns—numbing, judging, avoiding—we feed the inner wound:

Abandonment.

Unworthiness.

Shame.

“Not enough-ness.”

And on it goes…

Can you see how maddening this becomes? How the way we’ve learned to relate to ourselves is not only unsustainable—it’s the very thing fueling our mental unwellness?

And yet… hard feelings are just sensations.

Yes. Just sensations.

They do not care what you call them. They’re not waiting for your diagnosis. They want your attention. That is all.

And if you let them move, they do pass—beginning, middle, and end. If you deny, reject, judge, intellectualize, analyze, justify, etc, etc, etc? Emotional constipation. (You know what I mean.)

And here’s the kicker: When you block the “bad” sensations, i.e. hard feelings, you block the good ones too.

Joy.

Curiosity.

Wonder.

They all live on the same highway. You can’t be selectively numb.

We Thought Naming Helped. It Doesn’t.

We believed naming a feeling would help it pass. We thought understanding “why” would make it easier. But the more we think about our feelings, the less we feel them.

Intellectualizing severs the connection. It pulls us into our heads, away from our hearts. But your system doesn’t want a name. It wants love.

From you.

To you.

Through you.

(Want more on this? See the post The Radio Tower.)

So, What To Do?

The Method: Simple—But Not Easy

Try this:

Put your feet flat on the floor.

Feel into the soles.

Let your awareness rest there.

Wait for subtle sensations to rise.

Now, gently uncurl your tailbone.

(The opposite of a Kegel.)

Then: breathe all the way out.

Slowly. Deliberately. Completely.

Wait for your next in-breath to come as a gift.

Repeat.

Now ask:

What would it be like if this next breath carried love to the place that feels tense/dense/aching/anxious?

And let it.

A Truth You May Have Forgotten:

You do not have to earn love. If you did, only some people would get air. Only some would be held by gravity. But Love is like that.

Unconditional.

Unbidden.

Everywhere.

In fact, “unconditional love” is a non-sequitir.

Here's the Truth: If it’s conditional, it’s not Love.

Real Love? You are soaking in it. You are made of it.

The parts of you that ache? They’re the ones who forgot. Your job is to stop exiling them. Your job is to welcome them home. To your own heart—the only place where they’ll find rest, comfort, peace and joy. Yes. Joy.

Let this be your daily act of rebellion:

To return.

From distraction to presence.

From rejection to embrace.

From exile to homecoming.

Because here’s the truth most of us missed:

Pain passes in response to your undivided, loving attention.

What if we had never forgotten that?